At some point some time, I'd decided to stop being an intense person who take myself so seriously. I had, to an extent. However, I had never really been able to get over my truest insecurity or "emotional baggage", as I would call it, which is a perpetual feeling of disconnection from everyone (and everything).

Labels: emo, reflection

Even though I wanted to create a new layout for this blog (especially since Photobucket the image hosting is no longer free, hence the watermark on the images here) but I've been more focused on the other stuff that I had been trying to do this holiday. So, if I have free time after I finish those stuff up, I'll probably do a simple one. It had been so long since I touched HTML/CSS. [Edit] I've done up a quick one. It's almost the same as the previous one except it's simpler. I do like the previous one more but it's time for a change.[/Edit]

Labels: reflection, things that happened

For the first time apart from the other time when DTVM brought us, I went to the Singapore Writer's Festival today. I didn't exactly know what to expect but I had planned to attend the following:

• Living in Chains: Beyond Taboo (screening)
• Some buffer
• Short Stories by Migrant Workers (reading)
• Many buffers
• Worldbuilding in Video Games (panel)

Labels: reflection, things that happened, writing

So during today's Fiction Writing class, we were given a short exercise to write about a moment in which we had to make a "critical choice" (it was a lesson about story structure). It kind of reminded me of something that happened at the start of this semester, which isn't super exciting but let's just talk about it anyway.

Before we get there, let's talk about the three most important things to me in university (not in life, just in university):

1. Gaining recognition, forming connections, securing a job - this includes building a network (sigh), scoring well, and gaining skills and experiences.

2. Having an exciting time that goes beyond studying and having dinner. This means having the kind of experience that I will miss when I look back from the future.

3. Fulfilling things that I've always wanted to do, such as having an active lifestyle and doing a sport - having a sport that I can say is "my sport".

Let's just talk about #3. Basically: It didn't/couldn't happen. I couldn't make it.

First, I joined Canoe, but I quit because I got impatient and I felt like I wasn't connecting well with the people there. It's a recurring thing in my life. Then, I thought things would be better after I joined water polo. Unfortunately, despite the fact that I made some great friends there, I just wasn't good enough. Everyone was preparing to go for a competition and my fundamentals remained weak despite weeks of self-training. I had no business being there. So, I got really stressed and quit, possibly disappointing those friends in the process.

I felt kind of bad about it, but I'm at that point (or at least almost) where I don't hate myself and pretend to be who I'm not anymore. It's okay. Maybe I'm just not made for these things. I guess I'm writing this to remind myself that life can be so much simpler if I want less. It's not a sad thing.

Totally not a sad thing.

Labels: digipen, future, reflection, things that happened

It felt like a really long year, but 2016 is finally coming to an end. At the start of the year, there were lots of really ominous things to be said about the fortunes of people born in the year of the dog, and, to an extent, I agree. It wasn't the best year, but it was important because it was the year where I genuinely started to take charge of the direction my life is going... Except that I'm doing a really bad job at it.

I remember spending much of 2015 being miserable because of NS. I couldn't be one of those people who embrace the difficulty and make lemonades out of lemons, so I kind of stumbled and stumbled further and hit rock bottom and realise that it's not really rock bottom and hit rock bottomer. To my defence, I got into freaking infantry (one of the worst vocations, but of course there are worse ones).

It is said that no one can understand how much it sucks to be a soldier in a non-commanding position. I agree. My NS life only started to get better after I became a third sergeant and I cannot imagine not getting that rank. I guess that is why this year was considerably better than the last despite the outfields and the rubbish levels of administration and management in camp.

Buuuut, guess who won the challenge of patience?

This year was also the year of travelling. I've never travelled so much in one year; I went to Thailand (Krabi) with my NS friends, Brunei with my unit, New freaking Zealand (Queenstown) alone, and Hong Kong with my family. Granted, Brunei wasn't really a leisure trip, but at least it's overseas and we got to go to The Mall and eat some kueh.

Before further education, I decided to take a gap year to gain experience as well as do a huge number of things that I'd wanted to do, such as writing a novel, learning guitar, getting a license, learning parkour, travelling, gaining that muscle mass and working in a relevant job. It's halfway successful, I guess. I like to look at the bright side.

My recent struggle which gets me so mad is in trying to find a job. I wanted to change into the education industry but I couldn't make up my mind so I decided to return to the media industry. There were no jobs I could take, probably because I was under-qualified, have a weak portfolio, and can only work for about half a year by now. So, I'm still unemployed, regrettably. My friend did warn me about the economy.

This post is getting so long. Let me just quickly wrap it up in a concised manner.

Fulfilled resolutions/checklist/wishlist from last year:
1. Kept in touch with friends (most of them, not all).
2. Travelled at least three times.
3. Tried out parkour.
4. Started learning the guitar.
5. Built on my relationship with my parents.
6. Became more attentive towards the outflow of my money... for a while.
7. Developed some nutritional habits. At least I keep track of my calories now and make myself eat fruits and vegetables.

Next year's resolutions:
1. Prioritise a healthy, chill emotional state.
2. Stop needing and wanting and start preferring.
3. Reach 75kg.
4. Learn Arnis (a Filipino martial art).
5. Actually get that class 3 license (or start to).

I like that I'm being a lot less ambitious for the next year.

Labels: future, reflection, things that happened

I bet it's somewhat common to feel ashamed of yourself from time to time, but I know how annoying it can be to constantly be ashamed of yourself, of what you are and what you're not. The shame keeps budging back into your life when you think you've gotten rid of it and you just cannot help but constantly try to get rid of it by bettering yourself.

Maybe it's just me, but it brings about some form of self-centredness. It is why I keep secrets and avoid offending anyone so that I could maintain the illusion of being "good enough". Phrases like "good enough", "trying", and "it's just how I am" sound really old because these are reassurances I give to myself when I'm uncomfortable with myself.

So, I'm glad that I'm finally seeing a glimpse of what life is without shame. At the beginning of the year, I came out to three groups of friends under pretty different circumstances and only decided to continue pretending to be straight to everyone else for practical reasons. At least in some aspects of my life, I am no longer bashing myself.

After I completed my National Service, I've been kind of MIA because I wasn't being the most productive, neither was I truly "living". I was ashamed of how empty my life seemed from an outsider's point of view, so I avoid getting asked questions like "what have you been up to?" or I answer vaguely.

But at the same time, I feel that I have been healing (via meditation, healthier self-talk, fulfilling things I've always wanted to do, being away from NS, etc).

Anyway, I've started parkour, thus meeting some new people. I recently realised, after meeting new people, that filtering myself just won't do anymore. In trying to protect myself from feeling ashamed, I am shutting others out (again, what's new right?). So, I'm telling myself now to wear my objects of shame like a bad haircut. It's there, it's unavoidable, and it cannot really be hidden (you can't wear a cap forever unless you're this artist guy called Artgerm). So, just let it go like Elsa from Frozen.

In the meantime, everything seems okay right now. Shall talk about what I've been up to in detail in another post.

Labels: personality, reflection

So lonely and deep in contemplation
So, more than a month ago, I went to Queenstown, New Zealand alone because I wanted to experience solo travel and New Zealand is such a beautiful place. I talked about the trip itself in one of my previous post, hence this is part 2. In this post, I'm going to reflect and talk about lessons from this trip.

Let's start off with what I've learned about solo travelling:

Google Map is my best friend (sorry, real humans)
Without Google Map, I would be lost in both the direction sense and the "what do I do next" sense. I didn't want to spend the entire of the trip doing touristy stuff. I wanted to explore and take long walks and experience normal things like going for a swim and going to the library, just in a different environment. Generally, I want to behave both like a tourist and like a local, although the latter is more of a superficial thing.

The point is, Google Map tells me everything, from what there is in my surroundings to how to get there to what is around where I want to go to how long to get there. I depended on it so much. Without it, I would probably spend most of my time in Queenstown Central and I would probably take more foolproof options of taking the bus rather than taking a walk.

But then there's always the fear: What if Google Map is gone? What if I lose my phone or run out of battery or, for some reason, the internet no longer works? I guess the bad thing is that it's easy to depend too much on Google Map. Sometimes, we have to depend on our own brains.

It's lonely, but I had to embrace it
Before I went for the trip, I was so sure that I could handle it. It was going to be so fun and I would be too busy doing things to care that I'm alone. Obviously, I was wrong. The moment I reach Sydney airport for the transfer flight, I already begun questioning myself and missing having people I know around me. But I also realise that it's freaking New Zealand and instead of wasting it feeling horrible, I should just go out there and do things that I came to do.

So, it helps, a lot, to have very clear goals. I wanted to take lots of photographs, experience emotional growth, function more independently, experience spiritual growth, explore a lot, go to non-touristy places, do some touristy stuff, and have lots of fun. Every day, I planned what to do the next few days and then I took my time in everything. Sometimes, it felt like I was just finding ways to waste time, but in finding ways to waste time, I managed to discover certain things and places as well as just soak in the atmosphere.

Me being me, there was hardly a time when I didn't feel lost, confused, paranoid, worried, etc. The loneliness and lack of assurance made me think of my friends. When I walked pass a busker playing some OST, I would think to myself: CX would love that. When I looked at the typical kind of shirt that I would wear, I remember Matin telling me "it's so you." Sometimes when I didn't know what else to do, I would ask myself, "What would ___ do?" But most of the time, my answer would be "but that's not me. I'm not gonna do that."

At the other end of the spectrum, it allows me to actualise who I am. There were times when I would actually ask myself, "What would Shaw do?"

I spent way too much money distracting myself
This is actually my biggest regret during the trip. I was unprepared, so I spent too much money on irrelevant things so that I could spend time. The Underwater Observatory was a waste of money; the taxi tour, though wonderful, was a tad bit expensive; and deciding to spend $50 watching a Maori Performance hadn't been in my plan until I realised that the only alternative was to sit on a chair and wait one hour for Stargazing (which got cancelled due to clouds). Had I been more prepared, I could spend a little less, somehow. My favourite part of the trip - the trekking in Ben Lomond - was free. Perhaps I should've also done less touristy stuff and spent more time on exploring. This leads to the next point.

I regretted staying in one place
Queenstown is amazing. The scenery is wow-worthy, but you know what's so tragic about it all? I got used to it. I got bored of it. Had I did a little more research and expected to be bored, I would've planned to go the Christchurch. I totally had the time. But staying in a single accommodation the entire trip and the fact that the airport is in Queenstown made a side trip to Christchurch impractical. If I could redo it, I would plan it properly.

I guess I didn't expect to be bored because I was too used to Singapore. If I had to spend a week exploring Singapore, I could. The thing was that Queenstown is different in the sense that there were much less settlements. There were no skyscrapers, no big shopping malls, and no random recreational stuff. It was a very touristy place, except there weren't much to shop. Christchurch, from the looks of it, is more suitable for shopping and it seems bigger as well. It's a different kind of beautiful from Queenstown.

It will probably help, next time I solo travel, to be on the move. It was a bit hard in the South Island of New Zealand because it is mostly mountains, farms, houses, and all that. Perhaps I'll pick a more urban kind of environment for a different kind of experience next time. I thought Matin's planning for our Taiwan trip was perfect - the first part was spent in a mountain (I forgot its name), the second was spent in a touristy farm, and the last part was in Taipei.

Travelling is not fun alone, but it's still awesome
When I say travelling alone isn't fun, it might be off-putting and some people might disagree. But I mean it. Still, it's the kind of thing I will keep wanting to do again. I'm thinking of maybe India or London next, but we'll see.

The reason why I'll still travel solo is because it's a wonderful experience; wonderful doesn't have to be fun. Wonderful can mean eye-opening, satisfying, enriching, masochistically pleasing, and so much more. Fun is just not part of the equation for me when I think of solo travelling. I will no longer expect it to be.

I'll recommend journaling
Imagine having a journal keeping track of all the places you've been, what you did, what you observed, what you learned, and what you feel everyday. Imagine one day flipping back and reading it all again. It's my thing. I enjoyed scribbling down everything I could think of and remember every night, especially smaller or private moments I would not share in my blog or in social media. In a way, it also eases the loneliness because when you have no one in your immediate surroundings to share your experience with, writing about it is a good substitute.

Also, I used my journal to attempt to keep track of my spendings, refocus myself, and remind myself why I was there. On the day when I arrived, I just wanted to lie on the bed and regret coming, but then I started journaling and remembering about all the things I was so looking forward to. Yeah, journaling is really good.

Okay... That long chunk above is the first part of the post. Here comes the second, which is about general life lessons:

Every country is different
When I arrived at New Zealand, I couldn't believe how close the mountains looked as the plane tried to land. They weren't close, though. They were just really big. But it came as a surprise (it shouldn't have) that the place I was going was 95% mountains. The environment was mostly untouched, the water was clean, there were so many things that they could use for tourism and farming and all that.

Obviously, other countries are different.

I feel relief and happy arriving in Singapore's Changi Airport and hearing the captain announce, "The building is very big, so it will take a while to get to the transfer flight." It made me chuckle a little inside.

Then there are other countries like the neighbouring Malaysia, which was filled with forests in contrast with New Zealand's mountains. There was Australia - the view of Sydney when the plane took off was another kind of beauty, in the form of endless suburbs.

It made me ponder how each country managed to define themselves and make themselves interesting. Some countries are blessed with mountains, some with forests, some with strategic location, and so on. Some didn't have to do much manual work while some had to spend years and billions building; some could afford to while some couldn't.

I managed to arrive at these questions: Should we embrace what we are or should we build more upon it? What are the consequences of building more, and what are the consequences of not building more? How do we utilise what we are?

Bringing this into the context of our small little existence, it kind of becomes the question of changing ourselves to become better people versus nurturing what we really are. There is this discomforting thought: What if we're born without advantage?

I always believe in being nice to the people who "aren't good enough".

Everything can be taken for granted
New Zealand was so beautiful, but after five days, I just went like, "Let me see some buildings already!" It leads to the conclusion that when we're bored of something, we're probably taking it for granted. That doesn't mean we can instantly switch our mindsets and suddenly become appreciative again. A person with great deal of control over his mind can do that, but not everyone.

Instead, sometimes it's good to have variety to spice things up. Back in Taiwan, we had nature, then half nature, then full urban experience. Similarly, we can't just experience one thing the whole time in our life. We can't just spend all our time with one person or watching TV. Things need to switch around for us to not take them for granted.

I'll not make solo travelling that huge a part of my life. This way, I'll cherish each experience, like how I still cherished Taiwan till now, or Melbourne, or Japan, and so on. They're all different experiences and I hope they stay different. Still, I can't wait for the next time I travel.

Labels: overseas, reflection, solidarity

My platoon before heading to Brunei
This post is actually way overdue because I finished my service at the start of this month, and then I just had a lack in any form of scheduling for my posts, so I ended up pushing this all the way till now so that I won't clutter the blog.

You probably forgot this post, but this is a continuation of that. Basically, I'm going to list down some memories that I'll remember for the second half of my army conscription period.

Calling my friends ugly
Surrounded by people who give very low insults, such as Jaryl, who always play the mother card, and... It's mostly Jaryl, actually, but others followed suit. Anyway, surrounded by people who give very low insults, I had to find ways to sink lower so that I can deliver lower blows, so I started calling my friends ugly. It's a pretty common thing, I believe.

The "Special Friend" song
One of the few things I'll miss are those days when we end early (most of the time) and just talked cock in bunk. There was once when we started talking about Steven Lim and started watching weird videos and somehow it led to watching this:


Enough said.

Auntie
Most of the time, some of us (usually me) would be craving supper and there is this really "on" auntie who went to sell food in the camp every night without fail. This is one of my favourite memories.

There was once when Gabriel, one of my platoon mate, helped us buy. So we gave him our orders and one of us, Lai, gave him an order that was something like "$3 maggi only mayo spam a lot". What all of us understood he meant was "$3 set, maggi, only mayo - spam a lot", but what Gabriel understood was "$3 maggi only, mayo spam a lot", so when he brought back a packet containing super a lot of maggi without anything else inside, topped with one fucking thick layer of mayo, we were all pretty speechless for a while.

A lot of parades
I believe this doesn't really need elaboration.

Speech Impediments
Being in the army kind of means always finding ways to boost your ego by finding faults with others. At least sometimes that's how it feels. So, it's hard not to notice when annoying commanders can't speak properly. It's also hard not to give knowing glances to one another after a not-annoying commander says something like "after you put on your camo, I don't want to be able to see your fresh." The moment that commander said "fresh", a number of us repeated "fresh" by reflex.

Bitching, bitching, bitching
I won't say I'm a very professional specialist. In fact, my platoon's style is to get personal and try to erase the line between commanders and troopers as much as we could. So, I can remember a lot of bitching sessions with my troopers, be it my detachment or my temporary details. But all's well. We all bitch about one another.

"Running your own army"
This is my sergeant major's favourite criticism towards one of my platoon mates, Hon Chin. He tends to overwrite everyone and overwrite any rules and just does his own thing. Towards the end of our service, it got pretty extreme so my sergeant major started being extra strict with him. From then on, Hon Chin would never go one day without saying "I'm running my own army".

The number one priority
When the sentence "SAFETY IS OUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY" flashed on the screen during one of the briefings, Jasper, the detachment commander of my detachment, and I couldn't help but turn it into a cheer thing.

In the army, regulars always like these cheers. There would be sergeant majors who go to their company, shouting, "Train to fight..." and then the entire company would have to shout "Fight to win!"

So, we decided that for our detachment, it would be...
Us: "What's our number one priority?!!!"
Them: "SAFETY!!!"

My Detachment
My Command Team
I would say each detachment's commanders have certain characteristics. Hon Chin and Udaiya are pretty serious when it comes to training; Lai and Clement are pretty chill and can't be bothered most of the time; Jasper and I are rather bitchy; Kok Pin (he's the only commander in his detachment) is kind of upz. Then there are Kent, the dictator-ish guy, Jaryl, the pushover-ish guy, and Gabriel, who was on MC most of the time because of some surgery.

It's all pretty good memories combined with lots of things I won't want to do again.

In the morning of the day when I returned to camp to collect my pink IC, I was pretty excited, although it's just a card. My OC returned us a piece of paper with our leadership goals which he made us write at the beginning, together with the certificate and the testimonial.

I wrote that I wanted to allow self-expression and have the troopers feel the pride of being mortar operators; I would say I've done what I can to achieve that. Before I was about to leave the army, there were moments when I pondered on what a shitty commander I had been, but then I remembered all the things I've done that many others wouldn't have done before, and I realise I'm actually not that bad.

When I was in basic training, the prospect of going into the forest and living there despite rain, mud, and fatigue, was so daunting that I spent my entire MC dreading. One year later, I was trudging up and down a forested hill in the middle of the night when it was pouring, guiding troopers out when they got injured and stuff. There was no time to be afraid of getting lost; it was a lot of pressure. But I did it. I landed almost knee-deep into a mud-filled shell scrape in the process.

When I was teaching tuition before army, I would lose my patience at that one kid who refused to focus. Granted, I have more power in the army, but I managed to talk through most stuff with the troopers. The only times I shouted or resorted to punishments were intentional, when I was trying to set myself up as a no-nonsense sergeant. Joke.

All in all, army was alright. I survived. I'm a happier person now that army is over, but I guess army did change me in some positive ways.

Labels: NS, reflection, reliving those days

This is not an angry or emo post. It's more of a random opinion thing.

If you're familiar with trading card games, you might agree that half the battle in such games is determined by how you set up your deck; the other half is how you utilise your cards in each battle itself.

Basically, for those who never played trading card games before, such as Yu-Gi-Oh or Magic or Hearthstone, these are card games where you...

• Collect cards - each card has a different use, different power, and different rarity;
• Put cards together in a stack (how many per stack depends on what trading card game you're playing) and call it a deck; and
• Use your deck to battle against another player's deck. Usually, this involves drawing one or more card(s) from your deck per turn and putting it in your "hand". You can choose when to use the cards in your hand.

"How can I know how to use Swords? I don't know how to navigate. I can't cook. I can't lie. I am sure that if no one helps me, I can't survive! But I can do one thing. I can kick your Ass!" - Luffy, One Piece (Oda)

Labels: preachy, reflection, reliving those days

Some time ago, I read an article somewhere that said something to the effect of "instead of deciding on what kind of benefits you want in your life, decide on what kind of pain are you willing to go through to get to where you want to be", and I thought it made a lot of sense.

These past one year plus has opened my eyes to a lot of things. It made me more self-conscious, made me doubt myself, utterly destroyed me, and then prompted me to stand back up. But wait! Before you think it's all about army, let me just say that army is just the environment; the environment doesn't make us, the people do.

Anyway, I always had this naive believe that it's possible to get what I want with minimal pain, minimal failure, and minimal discouragement, as long as I choose my path wisely. But life teaches us that there will be difficulties no matter what we choose to do. Say, if I want to be a therapist, I'll have to go through a lot of psychological setbacks before I can gain the ability to understand people and the things they suffer from. I'll then have to study a lot, work really hard, and maybe lead a relatively lonely life. If, on the other hand, I choose to be a scriptwriter, I'll have to watch TV - a lot of it. I have to watch shows I like and shows I hate, and I have to force myself to enjoy things I really don't. Then, I'll have to face a lot of external conflicts because ideas are passionate stuff and they always clash. There is also the audience's negative reaction, low pay, etc.

My point is that there will be different pain that comes with different choices. There's no avoiding them. However, we get to choose. Am I more willing to go through financial difficulty amidst a wealthy soul (and perhaps watch my would-be family suffer) or am I more willing to have a less fulfilling life with more stability?

And after we choose our pain, we stick with it and take ownership of it. Recently, I've learned that taking ownership of whatever you go through and whatever you are is self-empowerment. When we own this pain that we chose, we are powerful enough to get through it or to live it. It becomes part of us and it's okay, because it's always a duality: Good and bad; comfort and pain.

I think I made my choice but I shall not share them yet. I hope you made yours.

Labels: preachy, reflection

This post is a series of apologies to the various people that I remember I've wronged through my life so far. Obviously, none of them is going to see it, except maybe my grandparents, who have passed away and and who I believe can now see everything, but that's not the point. When I was in secondary one, a beloved teacher, Mrs Teo, taught the class about this thing called the Empty Chair method. By this method, we speak what we want to speak to an empty chair, visualising or pretending that the audience is sitting on that chair, and it's going to have a similar impact to speaking to the actual person. This is what this post is about. My blog is the chair and the audience is presumably behind the screen at the other sides. Hello.

The first person I want to apologise to is my grandfather. I'm sorry. I'd been a horrible grandson despite the fact that you were a good grandfather. I remember the days when we still lived in Serangoon and you taught me about the floor, the bridge, and the umbrella. We moved on to live in Bishan and I schooled in Serangoon at a primary level. You fetched me home after my CCA twice every week. At that time, I would take you coming all the way to Serangoon from Bishan for granted and called you to come and fetch me when it suited my interest - such as when I missed my school bus. To my defense, I wasn't allowed to go home on my own; still, it must've been quite annoying.

Yet, after grandma passed away, I let you sit on your bed alone with the radio and didn't talk to you. I knew that being home alone all the time must've been so lonely, but I didn't even talk to you. And in your final days in the centre, I didn't even visit you often enough. And I know I've already told you I'm sorry and I know you'll forgive me but I want you to know that if I could do it again, I would put in more effort in actually getting to know you. I would call you "ah da" like I used to when I was in primary school, and even when I have nothing to say, I would lie on that empty bed that used to be grandma's and subtly remind you that you're not alone.

The second person is, naturally, grandma. As I've already mentioned, I'd been a horrible grandson. The most vivid memory of me wronging you is that day when I came home from school when I was in secondary two, and I dumped my uniform onto the floor. Immediately, you picked it up and put it into the washing machine. And then I got a call from my Maths teacher, who asked me why I didn't go for the remedial lesson - I forgot. Panicking, I asked you where you put my uniform, you said you washed it, I asked for another, that was the last, I got angry, and I shouted things at you to hurt you intentionally. I said that all you knew how to do was to wash clothes. It was a jerk move and it was untrue, but it was a representation of the kind of person I was. I'm sorry.

And thank you for always seeing the best in me. My dad told me that in your final days, you asked him to dote on me because I was such a good, intelligent boy and he didn't realise. It made me cry, because despite all the shitty attitude I showed, I loved you the most.

I love both of you and I'm not sad anymore because I know you're in a better place and sometimes I feel you with me.

The following people are still alive.

Mum and dad: It's going to be hypocritical that I apologise (and confess) that I'm a lousy son, like how I'm a lousy grandson. And I'm not even putting myself down. I snap at you way too often, refuse to talk to you, and see the worst in you, although I realise the things you do for me. I realise that a lot of things you do are for me, even if they don't connect. And it is impressive how you can continue to love me despite all the shit I put you through. And I know apologies are not enough because they're just pretty words. But I can't do it and I don't even know why. I'm working on it and I always failed, but I'll keep working on it and I will succeed in being a normal son as soon as I can.

Wei Ling: I hate bullies. Turned out I was one of them. You never offended any of us. We were young and fragile and filled with negativity which we could only get rid of by projecting it onto others, and that's what I did to you. I'm sorry. I sincerely wish I didn't destroy your life, but honestly, I won't be surprised if I did. I know what kind of impact bullying has and I'm so ashamed of myself for having bullied you. You deserve better.

The secondary school teachers I bitched about in my blog and might've chanced upon it: Mostly, Ms Aljunied, Ms Diana Koh, Ms Ang - I think I bitched about them the most, although they are not the only ones. Anyway, I was stupid and full of myself and I do realise how difficult it is to be a teacher and the kind of effort you had to put in. When I was a student, it didn't really occur to me that teachers are humans too. Now, it does. I'm sorry.

The other victims of my adolescent insecurity: It's impossible and impractical to apologise to everyone and I don't want to. I just want to add Xun Quan and Man Kit into the list, just because I'd been a horrible friend who acted like I was better as well as bitched way too much. Oops.

I believe one of the most important people I have to apologise to is myself, cliched and all. There are many things I could blame myself for, but I only want to apologise for being too hard on myself. Others can be hard on me, but we all hold a responsibility to be kind to ourselves. Even if we've been horrible and have made a lot of mistakes and even if we didn't turn out to be who we wanted to be, we owe it to ourselves. It might have been the negative self talk that made me stumble so often. I don't know. Whatever it is, I will be kind to myself from now on.

Labels: reflection, reliving those days

I started this year so positively that I couldn't believe how well things were going despite every Chinese fortune teller warning the people born in my lunar year about what a piece of shit this year is going to be. And then, bit by bit, I broke, not because I experienced the shit that was forecasted, but because I realised I was the shit in the forecast.

When I was still schooling, my parents would repeatedly let known to my siblings and I that the "people out there" are bad; they would do what they had to as long as it benefitted themselves, stooping low enough to manipulate and dominate. I was never new to any of that.

But having been in environments where everyone tried to be nice to one another, I was able to convince myself that I was more or less a righteous, "correct" person. This past year in which I was surrounded by people who are less careful about how others feel made me realise that I wasn't. Instead of learning about the "people out there", I finally got to know the person in there. I guess that is why I broke. I hated myself.

And yes, I know I take things too seriously, but that is part of my genetic makeup or neurolinguistic programming or whatever else it is.

I also realised a few things, the first being that everyone is a bad person. When we quarrel or fight or debate, I tend to question myself. I always felt like I was wrong, and because of that, I tried harder to convince myself and the other party that I was right, therefore becoming more angry. The truth is, we're all wrong and we're all "bad", because nobody is all good. We're both good and bad, as old as it sounds. There never is an answer to who is right and it hardly matters how things could've went instead. I pondered and pondered but everything I pondered was irrelevant.

The second realisation is that by letting all these self-doubt break me, I'm letting it rebuild me. In alchemy, this is a process they call the Black Phase, in which we let external forces (the "fire") break us down, and then we let internal forces (the "water") break us down even further before we finally proceed to the White Phase, in which we start to separate the relevant substances and the "mess".

These past few weeks had been difficult for me because I suspected something went really wrong when I was really young because I had been having lots of symptoms of childhood trauma. Also, I couldn't remember much of my childhood. Everything seemed to point that direction. I tried to remember and bits of "clues" returned to me. At one point, I got kind of obsessed, but fortunately, I just snapped out of it and decided to leave it hanging for a while and just be happy.

One result of this intensive reflection/obsession was my third realisation, which was so obvious: I want to heal people, not entertain them. So, I guess it's goodbye media and hello psychology. Let's see where that goes.

So, yeah, let me just be laidback and composed and free of myself. Hopefully, soon, I'll be able to be happy without trying.

Labels: future, personality, rants, reflection

Warning: This post is going to be all "me, me, me", more so than my other posts.

These are the wishes I made last year pertaining to 2015:

1. I wish NS life will be bearable, fulfilling, meaningful, and interesting.
2. I want to find avenues to express myself.
3. I want to get accepted into either NTU's Art, Design & Media or Yale-NUS's liberal arts-like education. Both are difficult to get into, but it'll be great if I do get in.

But...

1. NS life wasn't very bearable or fulfilling or meaningful. It was slightly interesting and helpful in terms of making me more confident in public speaking.
2. I did find avenues to express myself outside of NS, but they were nothing new. Except, I've created a new blog which I haven't done much about yet. It's going to be different from this blog - that one is more about stuff I want to share with everyone while this blog shall remain personal and diary-ish.
3. I decided not to go to university anymore, because I've finally realised that it isn't a very relevant path to what I want to do in life. This means that I've made some kind of decision as to what I want to do with my life, except I know that plans change and all that. One reason why I don't want to go to university has got to do with money - it's not that my family cannot afford it (in fact, my parents were really insistent that I attend university), but I feel like it's not worth it because I don't see it serving any purpose. I guess it's a calculated risk.

As for my resolutions, I did move closer to them as time went by, with certain exceptions.

1. Accepting myself: This has been a really important thing, especially this year. I've come to accept my feelings for what they are, usually pertaining to hatred, guilt, and fear. In a way, I am starting to get out of the "I must make them love me" zone.
2. Opening my mind: I'm not that much wiser than last year.
3. Opening my heart: I'm more open to sharing. There's this ironic push and pull where I hate then I love then I hate then I love then I refuse to call some people my friends then I decide that I do care about them and on and on. Ultimately, though, I think I've become a more open person.
4. Upping my faith and spirituality: I realised I was dependent on these faith and spirituality things because I felt out of control of my life, so I decided to let them go for a while, including some aspects of my religion, to make myself more proactive. Towards the end of the year, I'm starting to open up to them again.
5. Stopping to need to be too clear about everything: I realised that it's still good to be clear on things.
6. Benefitting from NS: I did... I guess... Did I...?

So for next year, I've come up with three lists: Wishlist, checklist, and a list of resolutions.

Wishlist

• For time in NS to past real quick.
• To actually enjoy NS.
• To get into a relationship.
• To keep in touch with my friends.
• To have the means to fulfill the stuff in my checklist.

Resolutions

• Have unconditional positive regard towards as many people as I can, in contexts that make sense. This includes myself, my family, my friends, my men (in the army), and my colleagues/superiors. This whole unconditional positive regard thing had been something I learned in my diploma-plus (Applied Psychology) and agreed with but never put enough effort to apply.
• Be more aware about contexts. Sometimes we all have certain beliefs that only apply in certain circumstances, to certain people, at a certain time. I want to develop that awareness and flexibility.
• Be more honest with myself. This means that when the situation is bleak, I have to stop pretending that the future is more hopeful than it is. It also means that if I am guilty, I don't pretend to be angry.
• Build on my relationship with my parents. I've been a horrible son, and they've remained good parents. I need to stop being horrible.
• Move on more often. Although this sounds like something someone would say after a breakup, it's not my case. I mean it more in the "don't get crazy and addicted" kind of way. That's very me, although I don't show it.
• Watch more shows and movies. I don't want to be that guy who doesn't watch enough stuff, especially when I do love these things. The issue is that I tend to get obsessed with stuff I'm already watching or I've already watched, such that I refuse to move on.
• Read more comics. I mostly mean all those DC and Marvel stuff, because they're clearly really cool but... Refer to above point.
• Be more attentive to the outflow of my money. My friends should know that I'm a very impulsive buyer.
• Develop good nutritional habits. I've got to admit I'm the worst when it comes to eating. I eat too much useless thrash food at an irregular basis, eat too little at meal times, and I constipate all the time.
• Do more charitable acts. I want to be nice.

Labels: future, reflection

An ongoing issue in my life is that I always feel the need to live up to people's standards, but I never feel good enough. I am very temperamental. I've also always been ashamed for too many reasons.

So, what I first tried to do was to fend off people who worsen my perception of my own worth. When I was a kid and people criticised me, I would scream and cry and complain to my parents. In school, I would be that quiet boy who does his homework so the teachers would like me. If I were a teacher, though, I would strongly discourage such a self-destructive behaviour. Basically, I would try to adjust myself and the world so that it would love me.

But in life, you don't control everything. When I was in primary school, I think I avoided the negative people, which I learned is everyone, so I was a loner. I didn't want to be a loner after that, so I endured the negative in secondary school and fought with my friends pretty often. I lost a lot of friends. That was until I found friends who felt as insecure as me. In a way, they helped me accept myself and align myself to the world of self-dissatisfaction. You might argue that that's a bad thing, but it's actually good because if you can't accept reality, you remain disorientated.

Through the following years, I continued struggling to boost my self esteem, being angry, feeling inadequate, and trying to convince others (and myself in the process) that I'm good. But in the meantime, as much as I know my flaws, I am very aware of my strengths. There are many; people just don't see them.

I'm often frustrated that everyone seem to be so clear about what's wrong with me. My campmates constantly criticise me, and half of the time, they are right. I kept trying to prove myself, but at some point, I began needing to prove to myself because the amount of criticism is disgusting - say what you want.

At this point, I figure: Why bother? I have my flaws, and everybody have theirs. I make mistakes that not many do, but I see the world in ways that they can't. I'm an original, I can be so nice, and I dare to admit it. I don't need someone to tell me whether I'm good enough or not. I don't need to improve myself in ways I don't want to, because I've already done what I can. I don't need to fix myself or align myself to others' believes, and I don't need to reject the consequences because I honour myself and all the work I've done to make my immediate surroundings a better place for people, even those I disrespect. I'm done feeling inadequate.

I will remain as I am.

Labels: personality, rants, reflection

I get the feeling that this post might just be the most honest yet because I'm writing this in what I think is emotional instability; it's going to be highly mushy, but I promise myself that I won't delete it, because ever since this year, I've vowed to myself not to take back what I say. I don't want to get the sense that there are no consequences to the things I let people see and hear. I don't want to filter myself because I want to live a more open-hearted life. But that's out of point.

Here goes:

If you read my previous post (which you probably haven't because I only wrote it, like, three days ago?), you might remember this part where I mentioned about this Facebook group that my secondary school clique used to post in, and how no one uses it anymore. If you've known me for long enough, you'll know that this group of friends is close to the most important thing I have in my life. I wouldn't say this too often, because it's embarrassing, but what triggered me to do so is the fact that I feel safe admitting it.

The previous time I revisited the page, I only scanned through. Today, for some reason, I missed them - it doesn't make sense because I spent so much time with them nowadays, especially this weekend - so I went to read some of the posts. I realise how much things have changed, and how life had made us better people, at the expense of some sort of soul in what we had.

You know how I'm pretty open about letting people know I value this friendship? This is nothing compared to what we used to say to one another. There was a period of time when all of us had a blog each. They would write posts that would later on (aka now) bring tears to my eyes because it was about how important the friendship was to them. I quote one of them here: "Our relationship may seem normal but to me it is 100% magical."

And then as time passed, we cross boundaries in life. We went from lingering individuals to poly, where each of us went through a bunch of things that make us more mature people, and then we went on to internship, then to work, then to university or army. Each step of the way distanced us from the past. In the midst of it all, we got into fights, some of us got tired and many of us made mistakes. Things changed. Changes are not always bad, but in this case, they were.

We, who used to laugh at everything, grew up and jokes that used to be funny were no longer cracked. I remember we used to meet almost everyday. We would cycle, explore the new park together, buy stuff for one another, celebrate birthdays, bake cakes, make cards, and do all sorts of stupid things. We were ~ thee 9 mehmehs ~. That was our soul.

The best part of the whole thing was our immaturity. It was our inexperience and the fact that we didn't know better. Most of us didn't know what we want to do for our future, neither did we really understand how people outside our circle, our neighbourhood, our school, and our perceptions were like. At least for most of us. It was a journey. We explored. We learned. We had a metaphorical growing-up-quick crash course. That wasn't much. I wanted more and better, but I didn't know that what I had is magic.

I try to recreate that feeling in life, but I can't. I try to move on, but days like this get to me. I know. I need to get a grip, but sometimes it's not the sad memories that stun you - it's the good ones. This bunch of people is family to me, more so than anyone else emotionally. It makes me guilty to think like that, but that's the truth. It had always been the truth.

Labels: emo, mehmeh, reflection, reliving those days

An unpopular opinion: Self-deception can be beneficial
I dare say that at times, I know that the reality sucks but I insist on believing in my warped perception of things in the name of 'hope' or 'positive thinking' or, as most people I know call it, 'self-deception'. But guess what? I'm not changing the way I think because I don't believe it's harmful. I rather believe in brighter possibilities than trap myself in a box of "reality", which is really just warped beliefs in itself, if you think about it.

I mean, just what is "reality"? It's things that are presented in front of us, to our very face. It's things that are obvious, that matches with our perception of the world, which is shaped by our experiences and beliefs. It's things that are easy to believe in, because they flow along peacefully with the logic we've all become so used to. What many people refuse to see is that this "reality" that they rely so much on is merely a perception.

Maybe I'm just highly delusional, but I choose to believe that this world is so filled with possibilities that are beyond our understanding. Who are you to say otherwise?

NS has changed me for the better (I know that sounds cliched)
I've come to appreciate my parents. In fact, ever since I entered the army, I've talked to my father more than ever because I needed emotional support, and he was and is always here for me. For that, I'm really grateful.

I think I've learned to shine. I became aware of the limiting thoughts I have within myself, which mostly border on fear and anxiety. I've finally realised that what's keeping me from making friends easily is my lack of trust in people despite what I tell myself on the surface. I didn't trust people very well. Actually, I still don't. But now that I've become more aware of this, and now that I trust my platoon mates, life became so much easier in just a span of one week.

One "shield" I tend to put up is mimicry - I've come to realise that during my Mortar course. Whatever people do, I mimic, because if it works with them, it should work with me. Go with the tried and tested method and I would be safe.

Wrong!

It took awhile, but when I realised that I was mimicking people and when I started being myself, I realise it's easier than I expect. It's easy to be myself. And after awhile, it becomes easy to admit to the politically incorrect aspects of how my mind works. I'm quite proud to be me.

A lesson from a manga
I used to be a big fan of a manga called 'Bleach', and one particular chapter attracted and sustained my attention. The main character, Ichigo, was training how to fight with his mentor, Urahara. While they were fighting, Urahara was scolding Ichigo. This is more or less what Urahara said:

"I sense fear in your attacks. You keep thinking 'I don't want to get hit,' 'I don't want my friend to get hurt,' 'I don't want to injure you.' That is why you're weak. Think! 'I will not let you hit me,' 'I will not let you hurt my friend,' 'I will injure you.'

I think it works. Language patterns in the mind can make a lot of difference. By being afraid and thinking about what we don't want, we're letting fear and the situation to take control. Instead, we could take control by ourselves just by changing our language.

I guess it works in my NS context as well. I had let my luck take control for awhile and moped for quite some time. This week, I tried taking control of whatever I could take control of.

A bad thought process with positive consequence
Subconsciously, I compare. Most of the time, it's a bad thing, but when I finally find people whom I can perceive to be worse than me in certain aspect of their lives, it makes me feel good. It's kind of like pulling people down to push myself up, except I don't do the physically pulling and pushing. It's pathetic, but having told myself that I'm the worst for a very long time, I deserve to tell myself that I'm not. The next step is to stop comparing and stop judging.

We're all humans and everything takes time.

We're all pretty amazing, but we hold ourselves back
Just yesterday, I saw this video about this company (I have no idea what company), which labelled doors with 'Beautiful' and 'Average' in public. These doors lead to the same places but many people choose to go through the 'Average' door. They eventually realise that 'average' is something that chose. They had been holding themselves back from feeling beautiful.

For some unknown reasons, I've experienced a major boost in confidence these two days, and it feels like my life took a 360 degrees change. Everything is different. Everything. The power of confidence.

Labels: reflection

I think one of the most dominant mechanism in my mind is nostalgia. I'm the sort of person who never lets go of good memories, which is why I can recall some childhood memories and complain about how I miss those days, as well as compare my current life with things that have already happened way too often.

Labels: reflection

Since I'm having a night's off, I just want to write a blog post based on recent thoughts that surfaced in me. This entry is probably going to be all over the place as I can't really be bothered to sort it all out in an organised manner before writing, especially when time is somewhat limited.

Anyway, I just want to talk about myself, once again, as usual. Of course.

These thoughts run through my mind and sometimes I feel like I'm putting myself through things that I don't have to go through. To be honest, ever since poly, I was never a hateful person. I can be really bitchy and I can make fun of my least favourite secondary school teachers non-stop even now, but I don't actually hate them that much. Perhaps there are certain people who give me really bad vibes and some people I was really afraid of, but I don't like to hate people.

There were times when people treated me like shit but I still stuck with them and reasoned things out in my mind. A certain person tended to scream at me when I was working with him and I told myself that I understand because he makes some sense and he's just like me - unable to control unexplained urges to vent my anger on people. That was just one example.

But nowadays, I'm beginning to question myself. Why do I do that? Why do I try so hard to be understanding and forgiving? Sure, it's good for the other party, but at this point, I'm starting to feel like a doormat. So I was just thinking: Is not hating anyone really a good thing? When I felt uncomfortable with certain people, was it really my fault for being incapable of adapting to different kinds of people? When I just can't stand someone, would the right thing to do be forced acceptance?

Does it go both ways?

I hate being taken advantage of. No one likes it. I believe that if I let myself loose, I'm a guy full of hate. I was a guy full of hate back when I was in primary school, and for the first half of secondary school. It was in that outward dislike towards those people that I had strength. I didn't have to put up shields; I just had to poke my spear.

I'm pondering on these things because recently, although I still think my commanders are better than many others, a particular few annoy me. They pick on small errors I made and made them seem like I screwed up big time, and they devoted much energy in trying to make me feel bad about myself. Perhaps I would've if I hadn't had enough of NS at this point, but the fact is I'm so sick of it. No more filtering who to hate and no more trying to make a good guy out of someone who's really not that good. No more self-blame. When someone sucks, he sucks. I'll try thinking like that for awhile, much like so many others.

Labels: rants, reflection

If you've been reading my blog, it won't be news that this year started quite badly for me. 'Bad' is not always dictated by one's surroundings, but also by one's mental state, perceptions, and morale in general. I kept wishing that life would be completely rid of anything that is difficult, but really, I know it's not the challenge that is so demotivating about this army thing. Rather, it's my inability to be interested in anything related to the army.

Labels: reflection, things that happened

Since I haven't written in a while - not just blog entries, but anything at all -, it's probably a good idea to write another entry straight after my what-happened-in-my-life entry (scroll down). I just want to say that writing and self-expression is so important to me and I don't know what to do without these things around. I may not have mentioned that primary school was terribly awful for me and I only managed to get through it with countless negative, somewhat disgusting rant posts about my friends, the people whose boots I was licking (not literally, please), and the environment in general. It was full of self-pity and all that. If you want to know my true colours, you should go check the archives of this blog all the way at 2004-2006, but opps, I've deleted them all because I am so ashamed of myself. My life probably wasn't as bad as many people's. Maybe it wasn't even really bad at all, but because I was this person I was, it sucked super a lot.

Let's draw a metaphor using a pit. It's pretty obvious, but everyone of us start out at different points of the pit. Some people start at the bottom, surrounded by darkness, coldness, and all that. Some start out near the top, and their lives are generally colourful. And then, from there, we all try climbing to the top. The top = happiness. At least, that's what we think. And then some people fall from above, some continuously rise. Some people who started from way below finally see the colours of the sky after climbing and climbing while those who fell lost their way in the newfound darkness. Some never saw the sky. Some think they'll never see the sky. But they will. Just keep climbing. Be stable. Be patient. It may not be fair, and it may be a distance away, but you'll see it. It's there, and it won't go away.

In the meantime, accept the position you're in, because - duh - that's where you are. It is only through acceptance that you can love. Accept where you are and learn to love where you are despite its shittiness. It's difficult, but when you don't have a choice, you do it. When you try to be happy, you will earn happiness, and that feeling will be good.

This brings me to a point that is very relevant to me and many others around me, I feel. We often like to reject things we dislike - for example, climbing down the pit. But this pit is sucking us in, and if we continuously pull against it, we will tear apart, and that feels much worse than accepting the pit and letting it pull us in. We should let the pit pull us in, and from there, we can always find another way out. I'm not a rock-climber, but it's common sense that sometimes there's no platform for us to step on above, so we have to go down and find other pathways. It's the same with the pit.

Which brings me to another point that is even more relevant to me. This is about fear. According to that self-help book which I've mentioned about in my previous post, desperation is driven by a fear of not getting something. If you're desperate to get out of the pit, it's because you are so afraid of it. Unfortunately, the nature of desperation is that it controls us, and when we're controlled by our emotions, we go in vicious cycles. So, we need to let go of that fear, live in the moment, accept the situation, think positive, and move where we need to go. We cannot be desperate.

Oftentimes, things are scarier the more you enlarge them. Bacteria are invisible, but if you put them under a microscope, they are hideous. I believe fear works the same way.

Back in BMT, when I learned that I had to redo field camp, I was completely unable to accept it. I prayed it away, wishing for some miracle, which didn't come. I was tearing apart inside, although in hindsight, it wasn't that terrible. But I was really upset, and chances are, it's this rejection of the situation, along with the fear, that upset me.

So all these are reminders for myself and my dear friends who are going through tough times. It is easy to forget the power of positive thinking, living in the moment, and, very importantly, patience and faith in ourselves. Sometimes the only way out of the pit is to get a grip.

Labels: preachy, reflection