I know what you're going to do. You're going to give me advice. Going to tell me what I should do. But, don't. And don't tell me I'm not the only one either. And don't tell me I'm over-thinking. Basically, don't judge me and try to psycho me to think otherwise. Bluntly, I'm quite sad but I'll be alright. Just let me vent.

Alright, here goes. I feel unwanted. I feel like I'm merely existing and most people won't mind it if I'm not there. I do realise there are people who care, but it doesn't help.

When choices are to be made, I'm usually the last in the list.

"I'm free on Monday, and all my friends are not free, so I guess I'll ask him out, since he's always free."
"Bus home with him or train home with more interesting friends? He's fine, but I like the more interesting friends more."
"One friend disagrees with another. I choose to take sides."

So, in some sense, I'm like a spare tyre. Like many others, I'm used as a backup. I'm just there.

Sometimes I just feel that people don't really like me. They just hang out with me because they are suppose to. If they somehow piss me off, I'll get mad, I'll confront the person, and maybe that will weaken the bond of the clique. Or maybe if they somehow piss me off, I'll be upset, and they pity me. And in either cases, it's false. It's a pretense. Fake.

Even the people I first meet. Instant bad impression. Maybe because I'm just bad at all these social stuff. Maybe I'm just weird (which isn't suppose to be bad). Maybe it's because I'm a guy, yet I'm not masculine in some sense. Or even maybe that other person is more charismatic, or more fun to be with.

So all in all, I'm just not good enough to be wanted.

Of course, maybe it's my fault for not being good enough. I know how I am. Stubborn, bad-tempered, detached, paranoid, negative, boring, simply out of sync. These may be the things that drive people away too. But I used to be so much worse and I had to diminish my flaws one by one. As a kid, I used to be so hateable. What's wrong with having some remaining flaws? I'm tired of fixing myself as if I'm just wrong.

I'm not the one rejecting people. People are the ones rejecting me.