An unpopular opinion: Self-deception can be beneficial
I dare say that at times, I know that the reality sucks but I insist on believing in my warped perception of things in the name of 'hope' or 'positive thinking' or, as most people I know call it, 'self-deception'. But guess what? I'm not changing the way I think because I don't believe it's harmful. I rather believe in brighter possibilities than trap myself in a box of "reality", which is really just warped beliefs in itself, if you think about it.

I mean, just what is "reality"? It's things that are presented in front of us, to our very face. It's things that are obvious, that matches with our perception of the world, which is shaped by our experiences and beliefs. It's things that are easy to believe in, because they flow along peacefully with the logic we've all become so used to. What many people refuse to see is that this "reality" that they rely so much on is merely a perception.

Maybe I'm just highly delusional, but I choose to believe that this world is so filled with possibilities that are beyond our understanding. Who are you to say otherwise?

NS has changed me for the better (I know that sounds cliched)
I've come to appreciate my parents. In fact, ever since I entered the army, I've talked to my father more than ever because I needed emotional support, and he was and is always here for me. For that, I'm really grateful.

I think I've learned to shine. I became aware of the limiting thoughts I have within myself, which mostly border on fear and anxiety. I've finally realised that what's keeping me from making friends easily is my lack of trust in people despite what I tell myself on the surface. I didn't trust people very well. Actually, I still don't. But now that I've become more aware of this, and now that I trust my platoon mates, life became so much easier in just a span of one week.

One "shield" I tend to put up is mimicry - I've come to realise that during my Mortar course. Whatever people do, I mimic, because if it works with them, it should work with me. Go with the tried and tested method and I would be safe.

Wrong!

It took awhile, but when I realised that I was mimicking people and when I started being myself, I realise it's easier than I expect. It's easy to be myself. And after awhile, it becomes easy to admit to the politically incorrect aspects of how my mind works. I'm quite proud to be me.

A lesson from a manga
I used to be a big fan of a manga called 'Bleach', and one particular chapter attracted and sustained my attention. The main character, Ichigo, was training how to fight with his mentor, Urahara. While they were fighting, Urahara was scolding Ichigo. This is more or less what Urahara said:

"I sense fear in your attacks. You keep thinking 'I don't want to get hit,' 'I don't want my friend to get hurt,' 'I don't want to injure you.' That is why you're weak. Think! 'I will not let you hit me,' 'I will not let you hurt my friend,' 'I will injure you.'

I think it works. Language patterns in the mind can make a lot of difference. By being afraid and thinking about what we don't want, we're letting fear and the situation to take control. Instead, we could take control by ourselves just by changing our language.

I guess it works in my NS context as well. I had let my luck take control for awhile and moped for quite some time. This week, I tried taking control of whatever I could take control of.

A bad thought process with positive consequence
Subconsciously, I compare. Most of the time, it's a bad thing, but when I finally find people whom I can perceive to be worse than me in certain aspect of their lives, it makes me feel good. It's kind of like pulling people down to push myself up, except I don't do the physically pulling and pushing. It's pathetic, but having told myself that I'm the worst for a very long time, I deserve to tell myself that I'm not. The next step is to stop comparing and stop judging.

We're all humans and everything takes time.

We're all pretty amazing, but we hold ourselves back
Just yesterday, I saw this video about this company (I have no idea what company), which labelled doors with 'Beautiful' and 'Average' in public. These doors lead to the same places but many people choose to go through the 'Average' door. They eventually realise that 'average' is something that chose. They had been holding themselves back from feeling beautiful.

For some unknown reasons, I've experienced a major boost in confidence these two days, and it feels like my life took a 360 degrees change. Everything is different. Everything. The power of confidence.

Labels: reflection