Since I'm having a night's off, I just want to write a blog post based on recent thoughts that surfaced in me. This entry is probably going to be all over the place as I can't really be bothered to sort it all out in an organised manner before writing, especially when time is somewhat limited.

Anyway, I just want to talk about myself, once again, as usual. Of course.

These thoughts run through my mind and sometimes I feel like I'm putting myself through things that I don't have to go through. To be honest, ever since poly, I was never a hateful person. I can be really bitchy and I can make fun of my least favourite secondary school teachers non-stop even now, but I don't actually hate them that much. Perhaps there are certain people who give me really bad vibes and some people I was really afraid of, but I don't like to hate people.

There were times when people treated me like shit but I still stuck with them and reasoned things out in my mind. A certain person tended to scream at me when I was working with him and I told myself that I understand because he makes some sense and he's just like me - unable to control unexplained urges to vent my anger on people. That was just one example.

But nowadays, I'm beginning to question myself. Why do I do that? Why do I try so hard to be understanding and forgiving? Sure, it's good for the other party, but at this point, I'm starting to feel like a doormat. So I was just thinking: Is not hating anyone really a good thing? When I felt uncomfortable with certain people, was it really my fault for being incapable of adapting to different kinds of people? When I just can't stand someone, would the right thing to do be forced acceptance?

Does it go both ways?

I hate being taken advantage of. No one likes it. I believe that if I let myself loose, I'm a guy full of hate. I was a guy full of hate back when I was in primary school, and for the first half of secondary school. It was in that outward dislike towards those people that I had strength. I didn't have to put up shields; I just had to poke my spear.

I'm pondering on these things because recently, although I still think my commanders are better than many others, a particular few annoy me. They pick on small errors I made and made them seem like I screwed up big time, and they devoted much energy in trying to make me feel bad about myself. Perhaps I would've if I hadn't had enough of NS at this point, but the fact is I'm so sick of it. No more filtering who to hate and no more trying to make a good guy out of someone who's really not that good. No more self-blame. When someone sucks, he sucks. I'll try thinking like that for awhile, much like so many others.

Labels: rants, reflection