Since I haven't written in a while - not just blog entries, but anything at all -, it's probably a good idea to write another entry straight after my what-happened-in-my-life entry (scroll down). I just want to say that writing and self-expression is so important to me and I don't know what to do without these things around. I may not have mentioned that primary school was terribly awful for me and I only managed to get through it with countless negative, somewhat disgusting rant posts about my friends, the people whose boots I was licking (not literally, please), and the environment in general. It was full of self-pity and all that. If you want to know my true colours, you should go check the archives of this blog all the way at 2004-2006, but opps, I've deleted them all because I am so ashamed of myself. My life probably wasn't as bad as many people's. Maybe it wasn't even really bad at all, but because I was this person I was, it sucked super a lot.

Let's draw a metaphor using a pit. It's pretty obvious, but everyone of us start out at different points of the pit. Some people start at the bottom, surrounded by darkness, coldness, and all that. Some start out near the top, and their lives are generally colourful. And then, from there, we all try climbing to the top. The top = happiness. At least, that's what we think. And then some people fall from above, some continuously rise. Some people who started from way below finally see the colours of the sky after climbing and climbing while those who fell lost their way in the newfound darkness. Some never saw the sky. Some think they'll never see the sky. But they will. Just keep climbing. Be stable. Be patient. It may not be fair, and it may be a distance away, but you'll see it. It's there, and it won't go away.

In the meantime, accept the position you're in, because - duh - that's where you are. It is only through acceptance that you can love. Accept where you are and learn to love where you are despite its shittiness. It's difficult, but when you don't have a choice, you do it. When you try to be happy, you will earn happiness, and that feeling will be good.

This brings me to a point that is very relevant to me and many others around me, I feel. We often like to reject things we dislike - for example, climbing down the pit. But this pit is sucking us in, and if we continuously pull against it, we will tear apart, and that feels much worse than accepting the pit and letting it pull us in. We should let the pit pull us in, and from there, we can always find another way out. I'm not a rock-climber, but it's common sense that sometimes there's no platform for us to step on above, so we have to go down and find other pathways. It's the same with the pit.

Which brings me to another point that is even more relevant to me. This is about fear. According to that self-help book which I've mentioned about in my previous post, desperation is driven by a fear of not getting something. If you're desperate to get out of the pit, it's because you are so afraid of it. Unfortunately, the nature of desperation is that it controls us, and when we're controlled by our emotions, we go in vicious cycles. So, we need to let go of that fear, live in the moment, accept the situation, think positive, and move where we need to go. We cannot be desperate.

Oftentimes, things are scarier the more you enlarge them. Bacteria are invisible, but if you put them under a microscope, they are hideous. I believe fear works the same way.

Back in BMT, when I learned that I had to redo field camp, I was completely unable to accept it. I prayed it away, wishing for some miracle, which didn't come. I was tearing apart inside, although in hindsight, it wasn't that terrible. But I was really upset, and chances are, it's this rejection of the situation, along with the fear, that upset me.

So all these are reminders for myself and my dear friends who are going through tough times. It is easy to forget the power of positive thinking, living in the moment, and, very importantly, patience and faith in ourselves. Sometimes the only way out of the pit is to get a grip.

Labels: preachy, reflection