At this point, everyone around me is probably sick of me talking about the future, but I'm still going to do that here, so skip it if you want~
To be honest, I myself am sick of thinking of the future, especially when the universe is clearly trying to remind me of how naive my vision of the future is. The truth is, I'm really worried. Whenever I stop to live in the present, it kind of feels meaningless. I always felt like I need something to look forward to. If not, why are we spending hours after hours doing
stuff?
But I know that's technically wrong. I should not dwell in the past or plan the future too much. Everyone says "live in the present", but the present is a difficult place to live. My life doesn't suck. Reality just does.
So some of my closer friends will know that I was intending to go to the United States to pursue scriptwriting. I wanted to go there and study for 4 years, soak in the culture, come back to serve a scholarship bond, and then return to live there. Scrap that - I still want to go overseas, but I realise the absurdity of this plan.
1. Scholarship is hard to get.
2. Things
will happen.
3. What do I even know about the states?
4. One cannot learn writing.
5. Traveling to and fro destroys relationships.
6. I'll get old.
7. Scholarship bond can be troublesome.
I'm going to come up with something else next time, just not now.
The point is, I had seek advice from many friends and a lecturer, and those above are the things that eventually bother me. My scriptwriting lecturer, Stella, doesn't believe I like to write because I do not exhibit all the traits of a writer with burning passion, though she still gave me good advice.
So, after some reflection, I realise that...
- Unlike supposingly many aspiring writers, I don't really have a story I am burning to tell. However, I have a bunch of ideas I've developed and destroyed inside my mind, and each of them marked a short period of my life.
- I can't write stuff for people to read. My language just isn't there. That's why I want to be a scriptwriter, not a novelist.
- I'm overly-ambitious, but that's okay as long as I'm super patient.
- I struggle to write stuff that doesn't involve something supernatural or something ridiculous, because, as I've mentioned, reality is dangerous and fantasy is a better place.
And then of course, I've come to a point where I'm not as invested in my career goals as I used to be, because the closer I go to the age where I'm suppose to work, the less point I see in it all. The point is really in that momental satisfaction, and then... So what?
So I guess all these goals things are just a way to detach myself from reality and the present and stuff. I don't want a future where I'm "successful" but I don't go traveling with friends. Or a future where I'm still single and stuff. Or a future where I somehow manage to write a movie but I have to watch it alone. That's really sad.
Even though I talk a lot about it (and Stella + many writers are right: Talking about it is pointless), it's not that important. In the future, I want my dream house (refer to previous post), a wife/husband (whatever works :'D) who shares mutual love with me, time and freedom, and the ability to travel and have a waterfall in my house. I want to sit in a bar and/or a cafe with friends and chat and just spend time. I want to repay my parents for what they do, even though sometimes I hated them (everyone does right?). That's what's important.
And the main reason why I'm ambitious is because I want those people to be proud of me.
Labels: future, rants, reflection