I don't like to call myself an introvert, and at the same time, I'm totally not an extrovert. I think I'm just someone who happens to have more introverted tendencies than extroverted ones, and I believe most people are a mixture of both. But there are certain things that go through my mind because I'm kind of introverted:

1. A high when I talk to an acquaintance for the first time
I know this is probably nothing to most people, but it's not easy for me to talk to my colleagues, my friends' friends, new CCA mates, campmates, etc. Most of the time, I can try, but our "conversation" is made up of one-liners.

Me: "Hi. Which course are you from?"
Person: "I'm from Digital Something Something."
Me: "Oh. Cool."
~ The End ~

So when I finally have a proper conversation with people, it's kind of a small achievement for me. Of course, some people are easier to talk to than others. It really depends on the context.

2. An over-protectiveness over my activities on the phone
Whether I am simply scrolling through Twitter, looking at fortune cookies (yes, I know), or contacting food sponsors, I get really paranoid when someone is standing behind me. Usually when that happens, I go mindless and stop processing whatever I was processing. I simply literally just scroll through Twitter, quickly quit my fortune cookie app, or stare at the screen as though I don't know what I'm doing.

3. A surge of worry when I gain an emotional connection with an acquaintance
This is not so much because I am afraid of people, but more of the fact that the more you have, the more you can lose. So feeling a new sense of closeness to someone means that the stakes are higher and if I screw up and pisses that person off, it matters more now. But of course, I know that it doesn't make sense because all that will happen is going back to square one. The thing is, the worry cannot be explained purely by logic. It just happens.

4. A fear of mind-readers
I know this is super ridiculous and makes no sense, but from time to time, I get the gut feeling that someone is a mind-reader, and I'm not exactly proud of my thoughts. So I filter myself even in my thoughts, which is a retarded thing to do. It's gotten better though. I've learnt to control this paranoia. This doesn't mean I think mind-readers don't exist, because I'm still pretty sure they do.

5. A dependency on friends whom I've gotten over the above four things with
When I no longer feel the slight high when talking to some people, no longer feel the need to protect my phone activities (okay, this is not completely true), no longer worry about breaking the bond, and no longer believe they read minds, that's probably when I get close to these people. It starts to feel normal. I like to take it for granted, because taking it for granted means that it's part of the new state of equilibrium. This is when I become dependent on them, not as in I need to see them every day, but more of when I have a bad day, I ask them out. They'll not always be free, but I think I try most of the time.

6. A feeling of being smothered
There is another layer of "closeness" on top of the previous point. That is, being overly close. I feel smothered easily when there isn't enough space for me, and when that happens, I start to hate whoever I'm spending way too much time with. I believe most people are like that. This is why balance is key, and I suck at balance.

Don't get me wrong: I love people, and these aren't excuses for me to distance myself from people. These are legit challenges in my social life that I'm trying my best to put aside. I don't want to have to think and put logic and too much thoughts into simple friendships, because over-thinking gets kind of sad and unnatural. But I believe that an honest acceptance of how things are is the first step to remolding the norm.

Labels: personality