I'll straight out say that although BMT was worse than my current phase in the army in many aspects, somehow, I'm suffering more now than when I was in BMT. Emotions work in very unknown ways to me, because no matter how much I try to understand why I'm feeling certain way and how to change that, I seldom come to an understanding. I guess it all boils down to the unconscious mind.

So for reasons unknown to myself, I've been pretty miserable these past weeks. From time to time, I managed to think positive, but that required too much stamina. I wasn't coping very well. In camp, I kept it all in and I was probably really stiff and perhaps unfriendly, much to my personal disappointment. Out of it, I was full of angst. I made a lot of stupid decisions, such as traveling for 2 hours in total just to have a rushed dinner with some friends when I could've just cancelled the thing and celebrated by ex-buddy's birthday instead. Even then, I was pretty angsty about wasting time, to the point of unnecessarily cutting my friend off when he was about to talk just so we could be faster. That was downright rude. Oftentimes, I also felt like pushing people out of my way because they were blocking the path and people who block the path are annoying. But I know it's all pent-up frustration which I had nowhere else to express.

This anger will not do. It's annoying, and it's driving a lot of what I do. Today was pretty bad as I became kind of rude and inconsiderate to some of my platoon mates.

Somehow, ever since I entered this course, I had been pretty shitty in my attitude. I'm not saying that I should be enthusiastic and wayang and all that. It's just that my level of motivation is minimal, and my only drive is bookout. Even during bookouts, I didn't feel like doing much. I don't know why. Sometimes it feels like I have no one to talk to, and whenever I try, the response I get is discouraging. It sucks. I just wish all this is over and I somehow get a grip and my life somehow goes well.

In the meantime, I'm very grateful for my religion for keeping me in piece. There are many who insist in convincing those around them that religions are just coping mechanisms, that they are fake, and whatnot. You're entitled to what you believe, but don't you think it's kind of hypocritical to shove your beliefs up people's ass when you'd hate for the same thing to be done to you?

Sometimes the things people say are so inconsiderate. It's not only about the religion bit. There are other stuff certain people say with such a narrow mind that are so judgement-worthy. These things are too distasteful to be mentioned.

Labels: rants