You have to pardon me for being slightly emo for an extended period of time. I feel like a pouch carrying lots of marbles. These marbles are so heavy, and they are about to break me apart, but yet I just don't break. It doesn't feel too good either. Just a few days ago, I figured out the answer to why I was sad and I figured out how to think in a way that brings myself hope. It helped, a lot, but only for a while. My mood just go up and down, just like how my stomach gas just come and go. I don't even know when I'll recover, and you know I've been complaining about it for a million times already.

Anyway, these few weeks had just been so dull and empty for me. I don't know since when. I didn't feel like doing anything, and mostly I don't have the energy to do anything. I don't dare to do physically taxing stuff, like exercising or working out, because they may just overwork my body and make my stomach feel worse. And I can't eat fried food. Games I was playing before somehow no longer interest me. Final fantasy. One Piece. Same for some shows. Shows that I look forward to, such as Revolution and Once Upon a Time only come out once per week.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's probably because it's such a small matter, but at the same time something is bothering me. So for these few days, I just kept concentrating on CAs, because since there's nothing fun to do, I should at least be productive.

I love storytelling. My game for the CA was mostly storytelling. But work can only preoccupy you for this amount of time. Other CAs just give me unnecessary stress when I focus too much on them.

In fact, just the other day, I came upon the realisation that school results and grades may not be as important as I feel. I'm just insecure about my future. But I should really trust that the gate to my path will somehow find its way and open for me. So maybe I can afford to worry less and relax more.

I feel as if I'm writing to a therapist, which of course I'm not. I feel this way because I can't figure anything up. If I tell this to someone with psychology knowledge, he/she will probably talk about the subconscious and all those. Problem is, what of it?

I want to be happy and feel normal again, and I do, to a certain extent. Back to the marble metaphor, I feel like there is an additional layer of, let's say, leather, at the bottom of the pouch. I won't break because of the leather (aka my efforts to stay happier), but what I really need is to remove the marbles. I just don't know how.

Labels: emo