Please do not read if you hate to read rants, unless you're desperately looking for something to judge.

I always try to be happy. Honestly speaking, emo-ing is my thing. Time to time, I seriously feel a need to self-pity, and just lock myself in the room and think up of reasons why my life sucks. And then write a couple of blog posts talking about how sad my life is. But the truth, which I don't know is cold and hard or warm and soft, is that my life obviously doesn't suck. I'm so lucky to have a rather big family,the mehmehs, awesome classmates, average family income, results and stuff. But me being me, it is natural to be affected by the littlest unhappy things.

But after things happened, little by little, I kept fighting it away. And when I need to I pretend that things are not there. I pretend that I didn't hear the words others say. I choose to become insensitive so I won't go emo-ing again. It may not be obvious, but I'm constantly trying really hard. But I won't be surprised if people simply say "that guy doesn't try to make friends. He keeps to himself all the time". But I am indeed trying to the point in which I don't see hope. Just how much more do I have to do.

I know I'm not the only one trying really hard and feeling the urge to rant now and then. Trust me that I know I am fortunate. But that doesn't take away my rights to rant.

Honestly, I contradict myself when I said in this blog a rather long time ago that I don't keep secrets, because deep down I do. Everyone does actually, it's perfectly normal. Mine are simple and small, but at the same time I will do as much as I can to avoid spilling them out. "As much as I can", however, does not include lying. And I know I'm secretly wanting to "accidentally" spill out secrets but not get judged.

Okay, I shall just list down the things I am tired of:
- Being an awkward person
- Being socially-anxious
- Liking things considered "disgusting" (which I shall not elaborate)
- Not liking many mainstream things, not because I want to be special but because I seriously am not that interested
- Forcing myself to like things I don't
- Being skinny and weak
- Not falling in love with people I'm suppose to
- Not talking much to my family, not because they are cold people but because I just find it so hard to talk to them
- Treating things too seriously
- Not understanding so many "given" kind of things
- Always wanting to run away

I just hope that whoever who reads this don't judge me for what's written here. These are little things that bother me a lot and chances are I'll never dare write it again if I don't post them now o.o