This post is a series of apologies to the various people that I remember I've wronged through my life so far. Obviously, none of them is going to see it, except maybe my grandparents, who have passed away and and who I believe can now see everything, but that's not the point. When I was in secondary one, a beloved teacher, Mrs Teo, taught the class about this thing called the Empty Chair method. By this method, we speak what we want to speak to an empty chair, visualising or pretending that the audience is sitting on that chair, and it's going to have a similar impact to speaking to the actual person. This is what this post is about. My blog is the chair and the audience is presumably behind the screen at the other sides. Hello.

The first person I want to apologise to is my grandfather. I'm sorry. I'd been a horrible grandson despite the fact that you were a good grandfather. I remember the days when we still lived in Serangoon and you taught me about the floor, the bridge, and the umbrella. We moved on to live in Bishan and I schooled in Serangoon at a primary level. You fetched me home after my CCA twice every week. At that time, I would take you coming all the way to Serangoon from Bishan for granted and called you to come and fetch me when it suited my interest - such as when I missed my school bus. To my defense, I wasn't allowed to go home on my own; still, it must've been quite annoying.

Yet, after grandma passed away, I let you sit on your bed alone with the radio and didn't talk to you. I knew that being home alone all the time must've been so lonely, but I didn't even talk to you. And in your final days in the centre, I didn't even visit you often enough. And I know I've already told you I'm sorry and I know you'll forgive me but I want you to know that if I could do it again, I would put in more effort in actually getting to know you. I would call you "ah da" like I used to when I was in primary school, and even when I have nothing to say, I would lie on that empty bed that used to be grandma's and subtly remind you that you're not alone.

The second person is, naturally, grandma. As I've already mentioned, I'd been a horrible grandson. The most vivid memory of me wronging you is that day when I came home from school when I was in secondary two, and I dumped my uniform onto the floor. Immediately, you picked it up and put it into the washing machine. And then I got a call from my Maths teacher, who asked me why I didn't go for the remedial lesson - I forgot. Panicking, I asked you where you put my uniform, you said you washed it, I asked for another, that was the last, I got angry, and I shouted things at you to hurt you intentionally. I said that all you knew how to do was to wash clothes. It was a jerk move and it was untrue, but it was a representation of the kind of person I was. I'm sorry.

And thank you for always seeing the best in me. My dad told me that in your final days, you asked him to dote on me because I was such a good, intelligent boy and he didn't realise. It made me cry, because despite all the shitty attitude I showed, I loved you the most.

I love both of you and I'm not sad anymore because I know you're in a better place and sometimes I feel you with me.

The following people are still alive.

Mum and dad: It's going to be hypocritical that I apologise (and confess) that I'm a lousy son, like how I'm a lousy grandson. And I'm not even putting myself down. I snap at you way too often, refuse to talk to you, and see the worst in you, although I realise the things you do for me. I realise that a lot of things you do are for me, even if they don't connect. And it is impressive how you can continue to love me despite all the shit I put you through. And I know apologies are not enough because they're just pretty words. But I can't do it and I don't even know why. I'm working on it and I always failed, but I'll keep working on it and I will succeed in being a normal son as soon as I can.

Wei Ling: I hate bullies. Turned out I was one of them. You never offended any of us. We were young and fragile and filled with negativity which we could only get rid of by projecting it onto others, and that's what I did to you. I'm sorry. I sincerely wish I didn't destroy your life, but honestly, I won't be surprised if I did. I know what kind of impact bullying has and I'm so ashamed of myself for having bullied you. You deserve better.

The secondary school teachers I bitched about in my blog and might've chanced upon it: Mostly, Ms Aljunied, Ms Diana Koh, Ms Ang - I think I bitched about them the most, although they are not the only ones. Anyway, I was stupid and full of myself and I do realise how difficult it is to be a teacher and the kind of effort you had to put in. When I was a student, it didn't really occur to me that teachers are humans too. Now, it does. I'm sorry.

The other victims of my adolescent insecurity: It's impossible and impractical to apologise to everyone and I don't want to. I just want to add Xun Quan and Man Kit into the list, just because I'd been a horrible friend who acted like I was better as well as bitched way too much. Oops.

I believe one of the most important people I have to apologise to is myself, cliched and all. There are many things I could blame myself for, but I only want to apologise for being too hard on myself. Others can be hard on me, but we all hold a responsibility to be kind to ourselves. Even if we've been horrible and have made a lot of mistakes and even if we didn't turn out to be who we wanted to be, we owe it to ourselves. It might have been the negative self talk that made me stumble so often. I don't know. Whatever it is, I will be kind to myself from now on.

Labels: reflection, reliving those days