Warning: This post is going to be all "me, me, me", more so than my other posts.

These are the wishes I made last year pertaining to 2015:

1. I wish NS life will be bearable, fulfilling, meaningful, and interesting.
2. I want to find avenues to express myself.
3. I want to get accepted into either NTU's Art, Design & Media or Yale-NUS's liberal arts-like education. Both are difficult to get into, but it'll be great if I do get in.

But...

1. NS life wasn't very bearable or fulfilling or meaningful. It was slightly interesting and helpful in terms of making me more confident in public speaking.
2. I did find avenues to express myself outside of NS, but they were nothing new. Except, I've created a new blog which I haven't done much about yet. It's going to be different from this blog - that one is more about stuff I want to share with everyone while this blog shall remain personal and diary-ish.
3. I decided not to go to university anymore, because I've finally realised that it isn't a very relevant path to what I want to do in life. This means that I've made some kind of decision as to what I want to do with my life, except I know that plans change and all that. One reason why I don't want to go to university has got to do with money - it's not that my family cannot afford it (in fact, my parents were really insistent that I attend university), but I feel like it's not worth it because I don't see it serving any purpose. I guess it's a calculated risk.

As for my resolutions, I did move closer to them as time went by, with certain exceptions.

1. Accepting myself: This has been a really important thing, especially this year. I've come to accept my feelings for what they are, usually pertaining to hatred, guilt, and fear. In a way, I am starting to get out of the "I must make them love me" zone.
2. Opening my mind: I'm not that much wiser than last year.
3. Opening my heart: I'm more open to sharing. There's this ironic push and pull where I hate then I love then I hate then I love then I refuse to call some people my friends then I decide that I do care about them and on and on. Ultimately, though, I think I've become a more open person.
4. Upping my faith and spirituality: I realised I was dependent on these faith and spirituality things because I felt out of control of my life, so I decided to let them go for a while, including some aspects of my religion, to make myself more proactive. Towards the end of the year, I'm starting to open up to them again.
5. Stopping to need to be too clear about everything: I realised that it's still good to be clear on things.
6. Benefitting from NS: I did... I guess... Did I...?

So for next year, I've come up with three lists: Wishlist, checklist, and a list of resolutions.

Wishlist

• For time in NS to past real quick.
• To actually enjoy NS.
• To get into a relationship.
• To keep in touch with my friends.
• To have the means to fulfill the stuff in my checklist.

Resolutions

• Have unconditional positive regard towards as many people as I can, in contexts that make sense. This includes myself, my family, my friends, my men (in the army), and my colleagues/superiors. This whole unconditional positive regard thing had been something I learned in my diploma-plus (Applied Psychology) and agreed with but never put enough effort to apply.
• Be more aware about contexts. Sometimes we all have certain beliefs that only apply in certain circumstances, to certain people, at a certain time. I want to develop that awareness and flexibility.
• Be more honest with myself. This means that when the situation is bleak, I have to stop pretending that the future is more hopeful than it is. It also means that if I am guilty, I don't pretend to be angry.
• Build on my relationship with my parents. I've been a horrible son, and they've remained good parents. I need to stop being horrible.
• Move on more often. Although this sounds like something someone would say after a breakup, it's not my case. I mean it more in the "don't get crazy and addicted" kind of way. That's very me, although I don't show it.
• Watch more shows and movies. I don't want to be that guy who doesn't watch enough stuff, especially when I do love these things. The issue is that I tend to get obsessed with stuff I'm already watching or I've already watched, such that I refuse to move on.
• Read more comics. I mostly mean all those DC and Marvel stuff, because they're clearly really cool but... Refer to above point.
• Be more attentive to the outflow of my money. My friends should know that I'm a very impulsive buyer.
• Develop good nutritional habits. I've got to admit I'm the worst when it comes to eating. I eat too much useless thrash food at an irregular basis, eat too little at meal times, and I constipate all the time.
• Do more charitable acts. I want to be nice.

Labels: future, reflection