An ongoing issue in my life is that I always feel the need to live up to people's standards, but I never feel good enough. I am very temperamental. I've also always been ashamed for too many reasons.

So, what I first tried to do was to fend off people who worsen my perception of my own worth. When I was a kid and people criticised me, I would scream and cry and complain to my parents. In school, I would be that quiet boy who does his homework so the teachers would like me. If I were a teacher, though, I would strongly discourage such a self-destructive behaviour. Basically, I would try to adjust myself and the world so that it would love me.

But in life, you don't control everything. When I was in primary school, I think I avoided the negative people, which I learned is everyone, so I was a loner. I didn't want to be a loner after that, so I endured the negative in secondary school and fought with my friends pretty often. I lost a lot of friends. That was until I found friends who felt as insecure as me. In a way, they helped me accept myself and align myself to the world of self-dissatisfaction. You might argue that that's a bad thing, but it's actually good because if you can't accept reality, you remain disorientated.

Through the following years, I continued struggling to boost my self esteem, being angry, feeling inadequate, and trying to convince others (and myself in the process) that I'm good. But in the meantime, as much as I know my flaws, I am very aware of my strengths. There are many; people just don't see them.

I'm often frustrated that everyone seem to be so clear about what's wrong with me. My campmates constantly criticise me, and half of the time, they are right. I kept trying to prove myself, but at some point, I began needing to prove to myself because the amount of criticism is disgusting - say what you want.

At this point, I figure: Why bother? I have my flaws, and everybody have theirs. I make mistakes that not many do, but I see the world in ways that they can't. I'm an original, I can be so nice, and I dare to admit it. I don't need someone to tell me whether I'm good enough or not. I don't need to improve myself in ways I don't want to, because I've already done what I can. I don't need to fix myself or align myself to others' believes, and I don't need to reject the consequences because I honour myself and all the work I've done to make my immediate surroundings a better place for people, even those I disrespect. I'm done feeling inadequate.

I will remain as I am.

Labels: personality, rants, reflection