I bet it's somewhat common to feel ashamed of yourself from time to time, but I know how annoying it can be to constantly be ashamed of yourself, of what you are and what you're not. The shame keeps budging back into your life when you think you've gotten rid of it and you just cannot help but constantly try to get rid of it by bettering yourself.

Maybe it's just me, but it brings about some form of self-centredness. It is why I keep secrets and avoid offending anyone so that I could maintain the illusion of being "good enough". Phrases like "good enough", "trying", and "it's just how I am" sound really old because these are reassurances I give to myself when I'm uncomfortable with myself.

So, I'm glad that I'm finally seeing a glimpse of what life is without shame. At the beginning of the year, I came out to three groups of friends under pretty different circumstances and only decided to continue pretending to be straight to everyone else for practical reasons. At least in some aspects of my life, I am no longer bashing myself.

After I completed my National Service, I've been kind of MIA because I wasn't being the most productive, neither was I truly "living". I was ashamed of how empty my life seemed from an outsider's point of view, so I avoid getting asked questions like "what have you been up to?" or I answer vaguely.

But at the same time, I feel that I have been healing (via meditation, healthier self-talk, fulfilling things I've always wanted to do, being away from NS, etc).

Anyway, I've started parkour, thus meeting some new people. I recently realised, after meeting new people, that filtering myself just won't do anymore. In trying to protect myself from feeling ashamed, I am shutting others out (again, what's new right?). So, I'm telling myself now to wear my objects of shame like a bad haircut. It's there, it's unavoidable, and it cannot really be hidden (you can't wear a cap forever unless you're this artist guy called Artgerm). So, just let it go like Elsa from Frozen.

In the meantime, everything seems okay right now. Shall talk about what I've been up to in detail in another post.

Labels: personality, reflection