I have a whole list of blogging topics and I'd intended to pre-write most of my stuff so I can schedule them, but I just had no motivation to blog nowadays. A part of me realises that no one really reads this thing so it's kind of like talking to myself, which is why I tried to create another blog so I could get people to read it, but I lost interest in it two months later. Of course, I still want to be blogging but sometimes I just feel stupid.

Buuut, let's just put that aside and blog anyway. At some point, I'm intending to learn xhtml and all that so I can actually use Blogger's "new" template, because currently, I'm still stuck at the super old "classic template".

Anyway, recently, I've been pretty addicted to different things. For two weeks, I was obsessed with Dark Souls 3, so there were days when I just needed to be doing productive stuff but I just kind of decided to play Dark Souls 3 instead. Luckily, it's a very challenging game and I got stuck at a certain boss so my interest just faded away.

Then, somehow, I stumbled upon a youtuber called Marcus Butler, and from there, I got introduced to some British youtubers. Before this year, I never watched and followed youtubers and I hardly subscribed to anything, but I just figured that youtubers who post random sketches and all that are actually really entertaining, so I started following Connor Franta (I googled "good-looking youtubers"). Being the sort of person who rarely commits to any entertainment, I didn't watch much of his videos after subscribing. But this month, I decided to, and from one of his collaborations with Marcus Butler, I realised that Marcus is really funny and went to subscribe his to channel.

I've been addicted since. It's kind of scary.

Being addicted to shows, animes, and games have always felt normal to me, but being addicted to people is scary. Soon, I wasn't just addicted to him; via his vlogs, I got addicted to his friends too, along with the life he portrays.

The truth is, there's something underlying every addiction. In fact, there's something underlying every behaviour. This isn't the first time I got addicted to watching fictional lifestyles (although you could say youtube vloggers' lifestyles are not exactly fictional); I remember becoming obsessed with How I Met Your Mother and the group of characters hanging out in the bar.

So, I did some googling and learned that addiction to things is really about helplessness, and each addiction isn't separate. In other words, it will be a mistake to view my addiction to Dark Souls 3 as an unrelated issue to my addiction to these youtubers.

This leads me to the question: What is so helpless about me?

Without a doubt, I can say I'm not a person who's always in control of myself. I've always had emotional issues, anxiety, identity issues, etc, so I guess my mind is just using addiction to cope with it all.

Of course, addictions are common. Everyone feels helpless over different things. By spending too much time away from my own life, I was able to "live" in another world (nothing new, right?). I don't have to think about how I'm wasting my life away while I'm finding a job (I'm done with my 2.5-month break / attempt at writing a novel), I don't have to think about how I haven't been writing my novel, and I don't have to think about healing/fixing myself (one of my goals during this gap year). It's a major distraction from really important stuff. The way to fix it is probably to deal with the root of the issue.

I really don't know why I'm blogging about this. I guess through this post, I kind of talked about what I've been up to ever since New Zealand, although not completely, as well as give some insight about myself without spelling it out. It's just a rambling post, I guess.

Labels: personality, rants, things that happened