When i was in primary school, i didn't have close friends. I had one or two friends whom i always badmouth. I was really really antisocial. I remembered how jealous i felt when i see my classmates playing catching in the parade square, and when they were sitting in a large group on the table, eating. I would be standing at a corner (literally) of the canteen, munching on tidbits. On days i have CCA, i would walk rounds and rounds in the canteen, doing nothing but waiting, while i watch my other schoolmates run around the school together. I don't blame anyone. I used to, but not anymore. I was antisocial.

Even in poly, no matter how much i try to deny, i can't lie and say i'm no longer antisocial. While my classmates are having fun together, it just take so much effort to lift myself from the computer and join them, and so much effort to stay there, and so much effort to contribute to the conversation or fun.

I never quite understand other people. I never saw how they can talk normally and seemingly comfortably to one another when they just get to know each other without feeling threatened. I wouldn't mind talking, but joking around on my first few meeting with new friends i've made is something you won't see me doing. Joking around with friends i've made for half a year isn't something you'll see me do often. Meeting new people is always scary, and the scary part doesn't end there; it ends only when i know i've sustained the good relationship, and i never seem to know when that happens.

LEAP camp is coming. I am afraid but i'm taking a positive attitude on this. I am antisocial. I did try to change and will try to. This time, i won't beat myself up over not being able to make friends. I am positive there is someone there whom i can click with. I won't feel unworthy because it's hard to make friends. Instead, i will take it as a fuel to move forward. I am me and i need no one to define.

Bring it on.