I haven't concluded March, but i'm not going to do so in this post because i want to write about something else. This week had been awesome, from monday's kite-flying + full mehmehs get-together to CASS camp. I'm not going to blog about the kite-flying yet, because i want to write about somethings else, so i'll write about the kite-flying in my conclusion of March post. The CASS camp was great and it was the best camp i've been to. We also received lots of free stuff and food and we only paid $4, which is super super cheap. One meal in Thai Express can cost 3 times of that, and this $4 gave me 2 free breakfasts with milo, 2 free lunch with fruit punch and 2 free dinner. In other words, each meal costs about 50 cents, which is impossible because each meal is the $3-4 standard, except for the breakfast, which was bread. But eating bread in the morning is appropriate. The seniors are awesome. High, friendly, easy to talk to and cute :D And they spent soooo much effort planning the camp, and so much money for the camp props, food, presents, etc. Then there were friends i've made, very fun games, interesting campfire and basically everything was great!

But no, this is not what i want to blog about. What i want to blog about is how insecure i feel. If you haven't noticed, you may do so now that since reaching the end of last year, my blog had been almost rid of negative posts. This is partly because i made friends with the mehmehs. There's actually another factor that makes this blog consist of less negative posts; that is, the fact that i don't want to feel weak anymore. I've tried to be strong, be happy, be brave and basically positive. I succeeded to a certain extent. I did become happier because i wanted to, i did become slightly braver, i did become more sociable (i was far worse than this before) and i did become more positive. My efforts worked, but i just feel, right now, that it is just not enough.

I feel like an alien. Everyone goes on, singing and posting lyrics of songs on facebook, songs which i don't know about which are supposed to be popular and everyone-know-its, and then they know what to sing and choose what to sing in kbox, instead of dig out whatever song that he know, and then they know how to converse, and just so many things. I know so little. That's not all. I feel that i merely exist. As in, other people are the flowers, blooming and shining, while i'm a blade of grass. I'm coming to accept that it doesn't really matter because i'm not alone. In fact, there are more grasses than flowers.

Then, when i'm done with one inner problem, another one comes in. Just when i thought i was ready for poly, i was ready to socialise and set off for the real world, my imaginary bubble bursted like it was never there. And this happens alot. One time was when i was still in secondary school, and i felt that i was finally ready to "fit in", not as in becoming a duplicate of another person, but as in, i felt that i was finally able to belong. And then my hopes crashed in one day and the this world started to feel like another world, and then i felt lost and didn't felt that i belonged anywhere outside of home... until i changed clique. I've never changed a clique willingly until last year. Then another time when i felt this was when i felt that i was ready to take on the NTUC job, and then when i started working i just suddenly felt that life is so meaningless, everything is so different and things can no longer return. I missed school terribly, i missed my friends, i missed my family and i missed myself, because at that time i didn't know who i was anymore. And the worse thing is, there is no reason for me to feel that way no matter how hard i tried to think of it. And i hanged out with my family for one whole week. But still, everytime i entered NTUC during that period of time, it's as if there was a scar on my heart i got reminded of it all. But the thing is, THERE WASN'T EVEN A SCAR! Nobody hurt me, i didn't hurt myself, so why?? I didn't know.

Now, presently, my hopes were crashed once again. Prepared to set off for my new world, i got intimidated. People of my age are social butterflies. They're not even flowers, they're the butterflies who fly so beautifully. I am still a grass. Then i wonder, am i the only blade of grass left? The people in the camp clicked so well, they're so close they talk to each other like they've been friends for months already. And yet, i'm there, pathetically being polite, and just like that. People start thinking i'm weird because of something stupid, which i totally cannot understand no matter how i think of it. I asked many other people about it and, to my relieve, most people thought that those people who thought that i was weird had weird opinions. I looked at the facilities in SP. They are heavenly. There is EVERYTHING. I was fascinated. At the same time, i was intimidated. I am afraid. Is this where i am going to be? I felt lost again. I felt that they are aliens. They came from a different dimension and they're taking over my life. Or is it that i went into another dimension and started living their world? I desperately told myself that things that are still the same are still the same, things that have changed have changed. I am not in another world. I am still in the same place.

I don't know what to do. I talked to my friend about how i felt. After spilling it out, i felt better. There are things that i cannot blog about but i want people to know. There are things that comes to me only when i write.

Let's just make it clear here. I know very little songs. I can't do alot of things. I don't excel in anything much. I like writing, that's it. I want to join swimming as a CCA, but i only know the very basics. I am way too detail-oriented that i cannot stand a lack of detail, and i understand things poorly. I have weak ears, so i'll "sorry?" you quite alot. I have a small mouth and soft voice, so you'll probably "sorry?" me quiet alot. I am not the interesting hot guy who brings colourful light to your life. I apologise too frquently and i am just that kind of person who is quiet and needs to stick to a system.

Hate me? If you do just based on the previous paragraph, you're shallow.
Super shallow. In fact, i've never seen such a shallow person like you before.
You should just remain superficial and live your life like a puppet.

I know very little songs. Does it really matter? Or do what i wear matter? It is OUT OF TREND. So, i wear an out of trend shirt so i suck? I don't know anything about katy perry so i suck? I don't watch glee so i suck? The truth is, it doesn't really matter. I believe i am presentable enough. I'm a very black and white person, and this is because of my not-so-good colour sense. I bother and i try and i look at acceptable. I am not in trend but i'm alright. I don't watch this, i don't listen to that, but it doesn't matter. I'm not going to lie to myself and force myself to listen to songs that i don't like. I don't like to pretend to be someone else. Perhaps i really speak softly and have poor ears. But i tried! i did what i can. I'm not going to the doctors and tell them to change my voice box or to change whatever mechanism there is in my ears. I apologise too much, yes, that's because i respect. I respect you and i believe that you deserve to be apologised to. It seems that i apologise to things at times, which is stupid. But no, i'm apologising to the owner of those things. By the way, objects have emotions too. Everything that has water in it has emotions. I have inspirations and i am getting ready, nothing wrong with it. I am quiet and like to be systematic. This is my personality.

In other words, I AM LIEW SHAW LEONG AND I AM JUST MYSELF. I LOVE MYSELF AND I HAVE MY PERSONALITY FOR A REASON. There had never been a reason to feel lost and not ready. I am just myself and i am living my life my way feelings my emotions doing my things. I will meet friends alike to me because i just know i will. I will be happy. Then, i will do the job that i like and live my life the way i want. I am walking down my own path, a path i create by myself. Nobody can mimic me. They can be similar, but not exact. This is because i am not to be classified like merchandise in boxes. I am just me.

I feel insecure, yes, but that's it. I did what i can to feel secure, and this post was refreshing and it helped me to feel alot better.

End.