This year had been rather eventful for me. Not so much as dramas and all, but it's mainly something to do with my mind. Perhaps i have a problem.
The beginning of this year was kind of terrible. Friends like yusen had left us to other classes and i began to feel terribly lonely. That was also partially because mankit was still in other countries when school reopened and thus he was absent from school. Even after he came back, my feelings didn't really changed. It still felt horrible. Thus, i've concluded that it wasn't just what happened in school which made me feel so horrible. It wasn't something as simple as "I am feeling so lonely". It was all going on in my mind. I was crazy. And actually, by the end of 2009, my relationship with my cousin, also a childhood friend, began to worsen. Thus things were not good at all and i began to felt unwanted and useless and all those stuff. Then, i began showing signs of mild depression, until one day when i suddenly realised, and i really mean suddenly, that it doesn't really matter. What truly mattered was whether what i had been doing were against my conscience or not. Then i became happier, and then the idea which kept me happy gradually disappeared from my mind and i started becoming moody again. So my feelings actually fluctuated like this until june.
This year, i did not pressurize my siblings and cousin to celebrate my birthday with me because i did not want to do something so pathetic anymore. I did that in 2009 even though i knew how shameless it was. So, i convinced myself that it would be good enough as long as people remember and wish. And my family celebrated it with me anyway. But every single year, people close to me seem to forget my birthday. Frustrating.
My mood had been generally positive for a few weeks and then it went down slowly once again. Eventually, i got tired of feeling so worthless and unwanted. Due to things going on in my mind, such as inability to tolerate being looked down upon anymore, feeling used as replacement of some sort even though such feelings are irrational, paranoia, jealousy and other things that just occured in my mind somehow, i escaped from man kit's clique and tried my best to fit in to melvin's clique immediately after that. It worked, i guess.
It was towards the end of the year when things began to change. I somehow became closer to guang yi, jeanette, jasmine, ru wen and wai min. Ru wen began talking about mehmehs eating grasses in class and we eventually started hanging out and called ourselves mehmehs o_o
During the o level period, we studied like mad and i personally felt satisfied with the papers. After that were things like chalet, prom night and Christmas lunch.
That was what had been happening to me emotionally and socially this year. Academically and in other aspects, there hadn't been much. Things were constant.
I believe i've changed alot towards the end of 2010. It isn't obvious to people around but it is rather obvious to myself because i'm a very closed person.
I have expanded on my new year resolution. Other than being cheerful, i have also decided to be reliable, courageous and tolerant. That will require much effort. I've started working on my size as well.
Just now, i've went to do some browsing of the courses available for polytechnic. Seriously don't know what i want. Probably taking up a scriptwriting course. Quite interested in Creative writing for TV and new media in Singapore poly. I want to join a sports CCA, learn how to dance during the holidays and when i'm older i may want to take up acting classes. And that'll need lots of money :( Let's see how it goes.
Let's do better next year!