It's time to conclude the month. The bulk of this month, for me, is on my personal issues. There's also the holidays and some friendship insecurity. Finally, the month wraps up with me feeling more insecure than ever, and realising that i need a good cry.

This conclusion is mostly thoughts i have been carrying around this month:

All the fruits in one basket
They say it is unwise to put all the fruits in one basket, all the candies in one jar, all your money in a wallet and so on. I've wanted to write a novel with this theme last year, but it lacks, and i lack the discipline and motivation to do it too, so i gave up. The story i wanted to write was about this guy who fell in love with this girl and cared a lot about her. Due to his obsession with her, he forgot to take note of the things happening to his friends, leading to a tragedy that stains his heart. In this context, we can say that the "fruit" is his care. The "basket" is the girl he likes. He focused too much on one person.

Now, if you think about it, won't you agree that this saying holds so much truth? It's more than just preventing your assets from getting stolen. It is preventing yourself from losing things that are precious to you: Your friends, your family, and most importantly, yourself. Everything should be distributed. That's why we have to be open-minded.

Stories from the past
Sometimes do you wonder if you have a repressed memory? This, from my understanding (i am not an expert, just someone who reads wiki), means that your memories actually picked certain traumatic events from your past to forget about. I have a loving family, i have food, clothes, games, and a rather big house which i love - That's what some of you may say, and i agree. I am so fortunate. I am so rich. I am such a spoilt kid. I behave the way i do because i need not suffer anything much, thus small things become big things to me - That's also what some of you may say. If you do, you judge too quickly.

Everybody has their own story from the past. It may not be something big like being abused, but this doesn't mean that the others who are luckier than some other people have had it completely easy. Also, when someone doesn't complain, it doesn't mean that nothing is wrong. People choose what to do for themselves; don't choose for them.

You're looking down on me
Sometimes you don't mean to hurt people. You don't mean to say that particular insensitive thing. Before you know it, your friend got hurt, and he got angry. This happens to me so much, but i'm usually the one who is oversensitive.

I just realised a few days ago that sometimes people are not looking down on me, but they are just being confident of themselves. I got angry at them secretly because i am insecure and uncertain. I know it, and i got angry at myself, but i love myself. I hate and i love myself.

This is when i realise that i don't understand myself as well as i thought.

Think too much, think too little
My friend once posted the following message on facebook: "People who think too much are often hurt by the people who think too little". How true. Sometimes, when people think too much, thinking less may work. Sometimes, people choose to do the opposite. When he thinks too much, he got confused, and thus he think even more, even harder to untangle himself. I do that, but now i'm losing grip.

Birthday blues
I don't know why, but usually when my birthday is coming, i'll feel really sad. For few 27th Junes, I've actually cried. I shall not tell you why because it is very personal, but please don't make wild guesses; they insult.

The miscellaneous
So through my primary and secondary school years, i've experienced obsessions, irrational hatred, paranoia, oversensitivity in general, irrational fear, insecurity and oversensitivity towards gender issues. I've overcame them one by one, and i was started to get comfortable with myself, and then "Bam!" It's all back.

I'm really sorry for such a personal post. You may think these are small matters or whatever, but all i needed was a space to rant. If not, i won't know what else to do. Please don't judge me.

My Birthday
On the bright side, this year is the first year people other than my family initiatively celebrated my birthday with me. I used the word "initiatively" because i remember shamelessly forcing my siblings and cousins to celebrate my birthday, which is pathetic and delusional. But this year was different. I really want to thank all of you so much.

Thank you, "OURspace" people, for planning a picnic and birthday celebration for wai meng, pascal and i. I am touched and really happy. And you spent so much effort on the planning, the cake, the gifts, and the cards! It was a happy day.

Thank you, my family, for celebrating my birthday with me all these years without forgetting. Sorry for forgetting your birthdays sometimes, really. I felt really guilty. Sorry.

Thank you, DTVM/1A/FT/02, for surprising hanissah, wai meng, pascal and i. I don't know if they were, but i was really very very surprised and touched that the whole class cared so much!

Thank you, Mehmehs! :D For the celebration at fish&co yesterday. What i wrote on the wall is true. Thank you so much!

Gou-er/Lottery/XiaoHei/Dre
Last week, my mum brought a puppy home. I'm lazy to tell the whole story again, but it's in my previous post :D But now it's not with us anymore :( It actually ended up with jt, but she's giving it to her mum's friend because her family can't keep it.

My brother started army
Things changed.

Changes are forever here.