I've been thinking these few days. And i noticed that i am uglier than i thought. I'm not someone with incredibly unlimited self-esteem and stuff and in fact i'm a pessimistic and paranoid person, and i know i shouldn't be but that's not the point. All along, i haven't been thinking about me looking good and stuff, but i've had low level of confidence, and i think of things like "i'm too thin, like skeleton", "i look like a kid, that's why nobody regard whatever i say or do", and people larger sized than me, i mean my friends anyway, even shove me aside just to talk to another friend, which offended me. It's very rude.

But i'm not talking bad about people, but i just cannot stand it.

Recently, i'm extremely frustrated at my physiological state. Of course some of you will say things like i don't know how to appreciate my weight and stuff like that. Indeed, because i just hate being so thin. And it's not like i haven't been trying. I've been drinking milk, doing exercises, eating more than ever, and the result is always so infuriating. I'll gain weight for about 1 day and the next day i lose weight again. And i'm always looking so childish. And people just don't understand. I'm not talking about the way i wear, that's a different thing and it matters as well but i'm talking about my weight and natural looks.

I know that people judge me by my childish look, and by how i behave. It may seem like an excuse, but the way i behave is related to how thin i am, and you can go find some info on the net if you just want to judge me.

I am also seen as a selfish and unreasonable person. I seem like it because i don't like to be a hypocrite and pretend to be nice when i actually have bad intentions, not saying that people who appear nice are hypocrites. But i am nice to an extent.

I seriously hate being judged, being unconstructively criticised and being disregarded. You just won't understand.