I've been so blind. It took so long for me to notice what was missing all this time! I've constantly looked up on astrology information, found out more about my chinese zodiac, thought of the kind of person i wanted to be, and kept escaping from chances to describe myself. I've lied to myself, suppressed parts of me, and stopped talking. I've lost my sense of identity, and it was my own fault. Took me long enough to realise.

In the previous few years, I've became like a clay, molded into a form in which I'll face as little trouble as possible. I've constantly adapted my personality to fit into the situations. They don't like a bad-tempered person? There you go! Now I'm an even-tempered person. They don't like sensitive? Okay! Now I'm not sensitive. They don't like possessiveness? Fine! I'll let go and try to relax. And everytime I change for others I go through mood swings. It's a confusion in my mind and now I think I'm kind of immune to it. I soon start to plan out who I want to be, disregarding who I already am. It's like I'm preparing for another life: Who I want to be in this world I'm about to step into? But that's not the case. I'm still living here, as myself.

To be honest, I felt that I've lost my existence since some time ago. I felt like I am invisible. I am there with my family, but I hardly speak. I am there with my classmates, but I couldn't open myself up. When I am alone, I feel so free yet at the same time lonely. I think I didn't know who to be anymore with whom. And I started blaming it all on Social Anxiety Disorder. I tried to cure it, but I soon got frustrated and upset because it was so unfair. Everyone was so free and themself-ish, why must I do this? Then I came upon 'The Secret', a law of attraction book which I bought some time ago but didn't read. One part said: If you want to attract what you want, just make-believe that you already have it. So I started pretending to be someone I'm not, and it keeps going until now.

Then I went to read an essay I used to write. It was about myself. Inside, I wrote about me being emotional and sensitive with pride, and about me being neutral and stuff. At first I didn't think much about it, but it dawn on me while I was doing business just now: "Actually, what is it about myself that I like? What personality traits?" I thought about "emotional". No I'm not emotional anymore. I thought about "honesty". No I'm not honest anymore, after I even lied to myself. Then I realised what I realise.

I forced myself to think up of 3 personality traits of mine that I like. It took a surprisingly long time to even find one, but I managed 2: Determination and forgiveness. I guess these are two traits that I either developed in the midst of all these or maintained after it all.

I don't think I know what to do next. I guess it's time for me to do some reflection or something. Perhaps meditate? Or simply write stuff down or whatever. I don't know. This is the end of my pointless rant.